http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/ The Spain Forums, Costa Blanca British Expatriates community, Blogs, free classifieds, property, photo gallery,chat rooms, and news. en Fri, 12 Mar 2010 15:13:59 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.thespainforum.com/images/totallypro/misc/rss.jpg http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/ http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/tommy-atkins-soldiers-poem-326/ Wed, 19 Aug 2009 10:57:36 GMT They flew me 'ome from Baghdad with a bullet in me chest. Cos they've closed the...]]> Tommy (with apologies to Kipling)
Written by Patrick Campbell>

They flew me 'ome from Baghdad with a bullet in me chest.
Cos they've closed the army 'ospitals, I'm in the NHS.
The nurse, she ain't no Britisher an' so she ain't impressed.
It's like I'm some street corner thug who's come off second best.
Yes, it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "You're not welcome 'ere".
But when Saddam was collar'd, they was quick enough to cheer.

They're proud when Tommy Atkins 'olds the thin red line out there,
But now he's wounded back at 'ome, he has to wait for care.
Some stranger in the next bed sez, "Don't you feel no shame?
You kill my Muslim brothers!" So it's me not 'im to blame!
An' then the cleaner ups an' sez "Who are you fightin' for?
It ain't for Queen and country 'cos it's Bush's bloody war!"
It's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, what's that smell?"
But it's "God go with you, Tommy," when they fly us out to 'ell.

O then we're just like 'eroes from the army's glorious past.
Yes, it's "God go with you, Tommy," when the trip might be your last.
They pays us skivvy wages, never mind we're sitting ducks,
When clerks what's pushing pens at 'ome don't know their flippin' luck.
"Ah, yes" sez they "but think of all the travel to be 'ad."
Pull the other one. Does Cooks do 'olidays in Baghdad?
It's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, know your place,"
But it's "Tommy, take the front seat," when there's terrorists to chase.

An' the town is full of maniacs who'd like you dead toot sweet.
Yes, it's "Thank you, Mr Atkins," when they find you in the street.
There's s'pposed to be a covynant to treat us fair an' square
But I 'ad to buy me army boots, an' me combats is threadbare.
An' 'alf the bloody 'elicopters can't get into the air,
An' me pistol jammed when snipers fired. That's why I'm laid up 'ere.
Yes, it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, "We 'ave to watch the pence";
Bold as brass the P.M. sez, "We spare them no expense.

"But I'll tell you when they do us proud an' pull out all the stops,
It's when Tommy lands at Lyneham in a bloomin' wooden box! ]]> Lee http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/tommy-atkins-soldiers-poem-326/ http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/surgeons-321/ Mon, 20 Jul 2009 20:13:56 GMT Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on. The
first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything
inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no
balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the
mouth and the arsehole and they are interchangeable'

:Banane35: ]]> Lee http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/surgeons-321/ http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/aint-life-strange-319/ Wed, 01 Jul 2009 16:34:52 GMT When i was younger i couldnt stand being in the house, now in my 40's i cant be arsed leaving the bloody place except for shooting and the gym....

As a child i wanted to stand out from the crowd with my clothes and hair .....NOW, i just want to sink into the background , do my business and get home...

When i was growing up i wanted facial hair to prove i was a MAN to my peers, Now i spend time getting rid of them growing from the most unusual places in my ears!

As a teen, i wanted to be heard, to be viewed as a leader, NOW, i run / avoid responsiblity wherever possible.....

As a boy i used to look at my watch and think "time seems to be standing still" NOW, i watch 8am turn to 8pm in what seems like a few hours.....

As a teen my clothes were immaculate, fresh on and pin-sharp.....NOW as man i think " sod it, no one will see me anyway" and " you can tell thats an oil stain , cant you ?"

As a Boy it was LAW to know who was No1 in the charts , their album and all of the bands first names, NOW, its embarrasing to be asked....

As a boy i used to get ticked off by my mum for not cutting my sweets (mars bars etc...)in half because it would ruin my dinner / appetite....TODAY, manufacturers MUST have consulted my mum as they are half the BLOODY SIZE

As a teen i used to frustated / bored listening to my parents and being around them, As a MAN i miss them both more everyday and would glady hear a full blown story of "how satsuma's have gone up in price since last week at tesco's"

As a teen i used to see all the busty women walk by and think "boy do they look like FUN, and Used to get third degree burn on my leg with money burning holes in my pockets for the latest gadgets... AS a MAN............................................NOTHING HAS CHANGED :D:D ]]> Lee http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/aint-life-strange-319/ http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/miss-joyce-315/ Fri, 19 Jun 2009 11:43:54 GMT Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Miss Joyce", that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Miss. Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'

:pound: ]]> Lee http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/miss-joyce-315/ http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/future-internet-dating-314/ Thu, 18 Jun 2009 13:21:36 GMT This might amuse some :D Image: http://www.thespainforum.com/members/lee/albums/odds-sods/140-future-internet-dating-part-1.jpg Image:... This might amuse some :D





:Banane35: ]]> Lee http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/future-internet-dating-314/ http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/people-313/ Thu, 18 Jun 2009 13:11:17 GMT OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count

As part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring

Back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office

And gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well doc,

it's like this-- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,

Then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out,
Still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first

With both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it

Between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the bloody jar open.'

:whoo: ]]> Lee http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/people-313/ http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/mostmissedteas/costa-blanca-towns-312/ Mon, 15 Jun 2009 18:33:07 GMT If anyone lives in the major towns of the Costa Blanca and could distrubute some cards and flyers in local business and areas where Brits are I would... If anyone lives in the major towns of the Costa Blanca and could distrubute some cards and flyers in local business and areas where Brits are I would make it worth your while with a supply of your fave tea!

Here's hoping you like tea! ]]> mostmissedteas http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/mostmissedteas/costa-blanca-towns-312/ http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/mostmissedteas/business-311/ Mon, 15 Jun 2009 10:30:26 GMT Firstly a big thank you to Lee and his article about online advertising - very helpful to someone trying to do just that - me! I am in the UK... Firstly a big thank you to Lee and his article about online advertising - very helpful to someone trying to do just that - me!

I am in the UK running an online shop selling bulk amounts of tea to Brits across Europe, but focusing on Spain. I need help with getting the word out about it and wondered if any of you lovely people knew of any businesses close to where you live that would display flyers or business cards?

If anyone can help please let me know.
Thank you. ]]> mostmissedteas http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/mostmissedteas/business-311/ http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/promoting-business-online-simple-trick-310/ Sun, 14 Jun 2009 18:18:46 GMT With the recession in full flow and many businesses struggling to find clients and customers, the internet if used in your favour can work for you... With the recession in full flow and many businesses struggling to find clients and customers, the internet if used in your favour can work for you with good results.

When people talk of promoting a business online, they automatically assume it means having their own web site and all the expenses, head aches and pains involved with anything new that they have no idea about and dont understand. There are an abundance of places you can advertise for free and you dont need a website to be found.

What many companies overlook is the abundance of places they can advertise for free with no need for the own website. Plus they have 24/7 advertising at no cost if done right.

Many companies will advertise in local papers, which are good if the person looking for your services is able to get a copy, but what if that person has a holiday home and hopes to find a service provider prior to heading to their holiday home.

They might also rely on word of mouth, ask a neighbour or know someone who knows someone who knows someone etc

The humble internet forum is a highly overlooked method of free advertising that can bring in customers that might not ever have known you exist, let alone what you offer or where you are.

OK here is the reasoning behind this.
Internet forums cover a lot of subjects
The average person viewing a forum will search one subject and end up reading several pages
So you will have a person look at a post on say buying a car in Spain then get side tracked reading about property problems.
Internet forums will normally have a flow of traffic, so your not starting from scratch trying to build a web sites traffic

Dont think oh great lets go and start placing adverts on all the internet forums because its been recommended here. You can get flagged up for spam and get your ip and email banned.

There is a trick to it and there are also ways of finding your target audience.

First off the trick. Rather than doing a post about your business, use signatures to promote your company. One person who does this successfully on here is Jon who runs a satellite TV instillation business here on the Costa Blanca

One example of Jon promoting his company
http://www.thespainforum.com/f286/ne...gandia-182016/

He uses a signature link, at the same time if you dont have a website that could be a simple business name and description with a telephone number for example. If your promoting a bar you could have your bar location, estate agents can have their contact details or language lessons, your contact details.

Not all internet forums allow the use of signature links, but a lot do these days. You might find you join a forum and the first couple of posts might be moderated or you need to be approved by the forum administrator.

So how will, this help promote your business.

Each time you reply to a post or start a new thread, your details will be posted in your signature. Each time its another free online promotion your gaining.
In some cases this can be to your advantage if your an estate agent and someone needs help with a property issue, they will tell their friends of the nice friendly estate agent (if they exist :D)

Or join in conversations about local matters. In this case someone might be doing a search on a subject to do with a local town or village and they get to see your details in your signature when you give advice or join in a conversation on a subject.

Again posting details of local and upcoming events can be just as good at bringing in the required results. After all a lot of local companies know whats going on in an area and normally have good local knowledge.

To find your target audience is as simple as a google search which will throw up an abundance of results on any given area of Spain

For example if your your a removals company and your targeting the whole of Spain, try searching Spain forums
Spain forums - Google Search

Your target audience is the Costa Blanca Spain
costa blanca forums - Google Search

The list of forums you can advertise on is endless and they are all free.

Some forums offer blogs and free classifieds which can also be used to your advantage as a free online business promotional tool.

Again the forum will already have internet traffic and you will stand more chance of your details being seen.

The trick is to think outside the box. Dont think oh well by having our website people will find us if we rank number one for x term on the internet. If people are searching for other subjects, they still have a chance to see your company or business details

If your in any doubt about what you can or cant do on any given internet forum, contact the forum owner or administrator. They dont bite and will normally give you tips and insight into getting the most out of using the forum.

Word of mouth then comes into its own. Someone might ask a friend do you know of x company that does such and such, or do you know of a person that teaches Spanish in such and such area, best bar for a it of grub in x town.

Internet forums are a great free place for promoting your company or business :Banane35:

At the same time the above is open for abuse. You might get a customer to post a great story promoting your company about how you came to their rescue. Or someone ask the best place to get a full fried English breakfast in x village or town. And a simple reply of greasy jo´s is good value at such and such.

The best part about promoting your company or business in the above methods is it the forums will love you. Each time your posting and promoting your company or business your also helping the forums grow ;)

Added 17/06

Something I forgot to mention is that most forums, even though they might look different, all basically work the same when it comes to making posts, relying to posts etc.

On here we have several walkthroughs / step by step guides to eliminating some of the mysteries on how to use an inter forum

http://www.thespainforum.com/f342/ ]]> Lee http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/promoting-business-online-simple-trick-310/ http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/irish-medical-dictionary-306/ Tue, 09 Jun 2009 10:58:31 GMT At risk of offending the Irish members on here IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY:- Artery: The study of paintings Bacteria: Back door to... At risk of offending the Irish members on here

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY:-

Artery:
The study of paintings

Bacteria:
Back door to cafeteria

Barium:
What doctors do when patients die

Benign:
What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section:
A neighbourhood in Rome

Catscan:
Searching for Kitty

Cauterize:
Made eye contact with her

Colic:
A sheep dog

Coma:
A punctuation mark

Dilate:
To live long

Enema:
Not a friend

Fester:
Quicker than someone else

Fibula:
A small lie

Impotent:
Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain:
Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff:
A Doctor's cane

Morbid:
A higher offer

Nitrates:
Cheaper than day rates

Node:
I knew it

Outpatient:
A person who has fainted

Pelvis:
Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative:
A letter carrier

Recovery Room:
Place to do upholstery

Rectum:
Nearly killed him

Secretion:
Hiding something

Seizure:
Roman emperor

Tablet:
A small table

Terminal Illness:
Getting sick at the airport

Tumour:
One plus one more

Urine:
Opposite of you're out

2xCondoms:
To be sure, to be sure

:Banane35: ]]> Lee http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/irish-medical-dictionary-306/ http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/men-happier-women-scientific-proven-fact-305/ Sat, 30 May 2009 11:24:48 GMT MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE *NICKNAMES* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike,... MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even
though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and
none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay £20 for a £10 item he needs.
A woman will pay £10 for a £20 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the rubbish,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night..

OFFSPRING

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing! ]]> Lee http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/men-happier-women-scientific-proven-fact-305/ http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/beer-mayonnaise-thought-life-304/ Thu, 28 May 2009 09:59:41 GMT When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the beer. A... When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers." ]]> Lee http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/beer-mayonnaise-thought-life-304/ http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/dear-holiday-guest-hell-303/ Tue, 26 May 2009 17:05:59 GMT Just recovering from my nightmare from hell week. If you visit a friend, dont try and upset the local bars. When you live in a small village with... Just recovering from my nightmare from hell week.

If you visit a friend, dont try and upset the local bars. When you live in a small village with only four English bars, being known as a pair of Richard heads ( think about the short term for Richard ), because one lives in a fantasy world is not good.

If a barmaid has asked you to settle your bill, drink up and then starts turning the lights out, puts her bag over her shoulder, it means she wants you go and not sit there talking more crap about how good the UK is or more crap about your non existent companies or non existent portfolio of houses in the UK. Bar staff in Spain work long hours on low wages and should be treated with the respect they deserve.

Dont make up stories about knowing every hard man in the UK, including the Krays because you once lived in South East London and you was hard. People see through that kind of crap very easily and remember most here are not the dumb type and made the intelligent decision to leave the shit hole called the UK.

Dont knock the expats because you read in the UK press that everyone here wants to return and the same people at the bars will tell you a totally different story and then go on to quote what the UK press says. The UK censors a lot of stories and by publishing stories about hard times, tales of woe and any other dire junk they can, they stop the flow of money and the a lot of the type of people they need to keep the UK economy afloat there.

When you get told that the junk the looky looky men are selling on the beaches can be purchased at half the price else where and you pay €50 for a watch, hand bag or sunglasses, then get taken to market and see the same gear for for €5 or €10, dont take offence after you have purchased 6 pairs of sunglasses, 3 handbags and 2 watches.

Girls under parasols at the side of the road are not selling oranges, crabs maybe.

Yelling my name several times, is no indication that Im approaching a speed ramp at high speed and might not have seen it because its paint as worn off. My cars designed for off road, the contents of your suitcase could have been damaged at the airport. Silly place to put your ipod and sunglasses in my opinion.

If a guy starts chatting to you in a bar at the beach and looks and sounds gay, chances are he is. And you find your mate your staying with has totally disowned you.

Dont bang on about how expensive Spain is when you drinking an ice cold pint that just cost €2 in an expensive bar

There are more than one Aldi and Liddle in Spain. We are not lost if you have seen several of them. Not that I ever admit to that any way, just the roads tend to look the same from time to time.

Try to blend in rather than looking like a 70´s medallion man reject with gold chains that set off airport metal detectors (does real gold do that ) and spend a week wondering why everyone keeps giving you funny looks and every looky looky man homes in on you.

And dont let your girlfriend pack your suitcase to the max 20kg weight limit with jumpers, winter clothes and then have to wear a lot back when you return to the airport after a week in a country where its been in the high 20´s all week.

Be decisive with where you want to go, hearing "its up to you" is the single most annoying term you can hear when someone is visiting for a week. When you live in a country, many things you see on a daily basis, what you want to see and do can be totally different from what our idea of a relaxing break would be.

Lastly and finally, if the person dropping you off at the airport dumps you and your bag, then screeches off at high speed with their phone switched off and the music blaring so they cant hear your screams of "stop" in case your flight is delayed or you have left something in the car, your on your own

So much for a fun weeks holiday. :Banane35: ]]> Lee http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/dear-holiday-guest-hell-303/ http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/start-website-times-hear-302/ Tue, 05 May 2009 12:49:31 GMT Quite a lot of people know me, know what I do all week and know of my internet presence.

A common thing I hear them say is "you know the internet, I want to start a web site. How much will it cost and how do I start"

The normal response is a lot of geek speak, which leaves them confused or bewildered. What they also forget is, when I first started out, I never knew a "Lee" to get advice from. Its all been learnt from the school of hard knocks. And believe me I have been ripped off several times, at one stage loosing over a years worth of hard work, by a piece of scum web host and url seller. But that goes down to experience.

One important thing you need is a full head of hair. Believe me, you get days when you pull it out with frustration. Then ask yourself, did you drive a car perfectly first time, or did you have to learn the basics and progress from there.

Remember a lot of this is my own opinion through mistakes I have made or I have seen others make on regular occasions.

You will also need to decide what the web site will be, a static web site displaying basic information about your buisiness, a blog that you update on a regular basis, an internet forum etc etc

The three important basics are

Web hosting

Url

Software

Web hosting
Web hosting comes in many shapes and forms and it confuses a lot of people. They hear mention of free hosting, shared hosting, vps (semi dedicated server) and dedicated server.

Now to put this into comparison of something most people know and understand.

Shared hosting is like a block of flats. Some blocks of flats will be nice and quiet, others will be noisy overloading the block of flats resources. A lot of the time you will be lucky and get put in a nice quiet block. Too many people get in the lift and things slow down with people getting to your flat. In this case slow web page loads.

VPS (semi dedicated servers) are like a semi detached house. You can still park too many cars on the street and cause the odd traffic jam, but not very often.

Dedicated servers are your detached houses. The more you pay, the bigger the house and the better the resources.

Entry level web space

Most free hosting accounts will have limitations or it will be a donkey and a carrot. They will offer you something you quickly outgrow and then need to pay to upgrade for more web space. Plus a lot of the time you will be tied into having their banner or adverts displayed on your website.

Shared hosting is what I normally recommend to those starting out. If your starting out, it gives you room to grow. For a decent starting web hosting package, you are probably looking at $7 to $8 a month.

If you intend to run a certain type of software on a shared host, its also worth asking if they allow it to be used. Some hosts will not let some internet programs be used because of the resources they use.

In simplified terms, its a bit like running a kettle all the time, when your only allowed to run a light.

A simple check to find out if a web host is any good, is everyone's best friend google. A simple google search with the web hosts name and the word "sucks" after it will normally throw up any problems people have encountered.

Stage two the URL
Some web hosts will offer a free url when you sign up to an account. This seemingly basic part of a website, can and does at times play a very important part in how the search engines rank you.

A simple explanation is the use of keywords in the url or web site address you choose.

If you look at the url (web site address) used here it breaks down into three words "the spain forum"
Spain being one of the keywords I go after on the searches on the internet.

Other examples and one which dispels a lot of myths is the URL having to end in .com If you use google.com and search for "Almoradi Spain" Most of the time you will see almoradi.us in the top five results on page one of the google searches.

Another common myth is dont use .net urls, spammers use them and they dont rank at all in the search engines. A quick google of "auto trader spain" or "auto trader es" will dispel that one.

One basic rule is keep it simple and easy to remeber. If your website spreads by words of mouth, a person is more likely to remember a basic phrase or name than a more complex one.

So choose a web site address (url) that has words that are common to what your website will be about in it. if your starting a website about fishing or one about cooking, dont go down the lines of something totally irrelevant like bertswebsite.com

A website I use myself a lot for researching urls is
Whois lookup and Domain name search
One it throws up a lot of information, plus it shows if a web site address is taken and what versions are available, be it .net .info etc

Website software
This is an open ended one, every one has different levels of being able to understand programing and computers, along with the internet.

When I first started off, I went into a computer shop, purchased three or four website builders and tried them all until I found one I got on with, which I still use to this day because of its simplicity and its ability to add extras that to a web site that create a better search engine friendly web site. As time has gone on, I have learnt to tweak things to produce better results.

I use serif web plus X2, its basic, idiot proof and has a lot of good features for building static sites out the box. My sites might look like crap, but the inner workings are well done :o

I have seen so called web designers use the software and pass their results off as being professionally programed

Most web hosting providers will normally provide basic software scripts, which normally include basic blog software, web site builders and forum software. Check what they offer when you look around the deals that are being offered.

You can also produce a basic web page with microsoft notepad, believe it or not. So its all down to personal choice, how much time you have to learn and what your abilities are on a computer.

Mistakes I have made or seen others make

Cheap web hosting. Not all cheap hosting is crap, saves me getting daggers in my email :D But when I first started out, my sites seemed to spend more time off line than online. Also check for any complaints about how long a host takes to reply to trouble tickets. There is nothing worse than having a problem and then waiting 24hrs plus to get a reply to a trouble ticket.

One time I spent several days entering the site into the search engines and off went the hosting for a day or two. The search engines never indexed the sites.

There was one recent case I know of where a guy was selling cheap hosting, then decided he was stopping the service. He wiped the server clean and about 100 people lost everything. Many had no backups of their sites.

Web site domains. Always buy from a reputable domain name seller and if one comes included with your web space, check that you will own it and can take it with you if you decide to change web host. I lost four web sites this way myself. Being green, the guy promised that he would look after me even when I changed the web hosting. He then ignored every email sent about renewing it and placed his own website in the space. Trust me, when you have spent a year developing a website and loose it, you feel gutted and you find there is nothing you can do apart from start all over again.

Free online forums. This is something a friend tried. He set up a basic internet forum with one of the many that offer the service for free. As the forum grew, he wanted to go it alone. In other words, move the forum to his own web space. He never read the terms of service and found he had no rights or access to the data base. So he was stuck with the choice of starting again from scratch or carrying on with their service.

He has also tried free web hosting and found he spent more hours not online than being online. There are some good ones out there, but you need to do your research.

Software. Its always better to check that the software you use is well supported. A recent case with myself, is one of the add on´s used here. The guy had been developing the software and offering support for well over a year. One day he vanished. He aint returned yet. They dont call me Lucky Lee for nothing :D

Check the developers support forums if they have one. You will get a general feel for their support or lack of it in some cases. I have had software that cost $15 get better support than software that cost $200 on several occasions. Its all down to the software company.

If you use the services of a web site designer, check their reputation and if they give any examples of their work, contact the person for an honest opinion about their dealings with the designer.

I pointed out a mistake on a website that belonged to a member on here once. She repeated word for word what I said and the designer threw his toys out the pram big time. To the extent he told her to employ someone else and find a new web host.

On another occasion I was contacted by one local business that could not contact their designer. They had spent several weeks trying with no luck. The guy had done a vanishing act.

Cheap and free alternatives

Ok so the above has left your head spinning and you just want cheap or free. Or something to play with online.

Simple solution, why not start your own blog. One of the better known free blogging sites is wordpress, it takes seconds to register an account and your up and running very quickly. If you decide to start another website, this can add valuable links to it.

Ask yourself what a blog is and the simple answer is you have just read one. Something that members of the forums can use for free on here.

I do not build websites for people, only my own personal sites. So dont think the above is me looking for business. I spent to many years dealing with customers in the service industry and its put me off for life :o

But I do help advice people if they need help from time to time. One member on here is already putting some tips to great use. ]]> Lee http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/start-website-times-hear-302/ http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/internet-forums-spam-run-301/ Mon, 04 May 2009 19:30:17 GMT One of the biggest annoyances of running an inernet forum is the joys of spam. Spam comes in many forms on the internet, be it unsolicited emails... One of the biggest annoyances of running an inernet forum is the joys of spam.

Spam comes in many forms on the internet, be it unsolicited emails with claims of wonder drugs to people posting links to their own websites at any and every chance all over the internet.

The so called SEO experts recommend building links to web sites from forums, so some of the intelligence lacking website owners consider this to be OK. After all some SEO expert with no brain says so. So you get lots of "hey my sites the nuts, come see it" type posts, which add no content or value to an internet forum.

Something I have devoted a lot of time and effort to on here is stopping it as best as I can.

A year ago, the first hour of every day was spent killing mobile phone adverts, porn links and just about anything else. El Sid was killing them at 3 or 4am in the morning. I was then sending apologies to those he offended. El Sid had a kind way of words :tape22: I know from one complaint, they mainly consisted of two words, the second being off.

Your average MP would have had some good material to browse over and no need to book videos on their expenses.

What people do not realise is the extent taken on the Spain forums, from each user being checked on an international spam data base when they register in a blink of an eye, to certain words flagging up posts as spam, along with askimet spam prevention.

Then comes the members protection side. No email address are shown, only a contact form. By default you can only private message members, the private message will then be emailed to the member, thus protecting them from being on any spam harvester list.

This makes life easier for the administrators here. If we catch anyone trying to spam other members, we can then ban them and get them added to the international spam database so they get banned from other forums and websites without even having a chance to join.

Well last night I decided to add a new feature that stops the spammers. Set it up and off to bed I went. Anyone who know how long I spend on the internet each day will know it would have been late.

Today, the normal checks of email and see if anything made it past the spam filters. To my joy nothing. Then I noticed that one of the auto generated posts was in the moderation que.

This then started alarm bells ringing. If I had a bleeper machine for swear words, it would have been making a constant sound at that stage.

I posted a comment on another of my blogs, again the forum url got the comment added to the spam folder.

Seems someone had classed a comment I had posted on a blog as spam and got me added to another spam list and blacklisted on the internet :o on a certain kind blog software.

After the panic and the swear words flowing from my mouth dried up, I found a contact us link on Askimet. A message sent explaining that I believed the forum url was wrongly on the blacklist or I had somehow managed to get the forums blacklisted by error and all back back to normal.

Now the above might not mean much to some

But I have studied SEO for a long time and have released articles on the subject, including making one forum add on more SEO friendly along with another add on which helps search engine optimisation for another forum add on. Both of which are being used by a lot of forums.

As well as the above I give website search engine optimisation advice along with other tips to other website developers.

The shame of it :o :D ]]> Lee http://www.thespainforum.com/blogs/lee/internet-forums-spam-run-301/