Getting old - humour

 

The Welsh Cow

Oh Dear!


The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.

They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales ..

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,



"My wife is from Wales "

__________________

 

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.





The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.



'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'



'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.



He's a martyr now though' mum confides.



'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.



And this i s my second son Kalid. He would be 21'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.



'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.



'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.



'And this is my third son.. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.

He would be 18, she whispers.



'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school'



He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.



After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photogr aphs and says...







'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

 

What to do in a flight when you have an annoying passenger is sitting next to you:

1. Remove your laptop from the briefcase;

2. Open the laptop slowly and carefully:

3. Turn it on, as well as the sound;

4. Make sure that the passenger next to you is looking;

5. Access the Internet;

6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open again and look up to heaven:

7. Take a deep breath and open the site:

http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

8. Observe the facial expression of the passenger seating next to you

 

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some
Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on
how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels
in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's
existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds
worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management
team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an
advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!


At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew
able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12
seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren
team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's
bird in the shower.

 

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

‘I’m sorry,’ St Peter said; ‘But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an ‘Entrance Exam’ for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.’

‘That’s cool’ said the blonde, ‘What does the Entrance Exam consist of?’

‘Just three questions’ said St Peter.

‘Which are?’ asked the blonde.

‘The first,’ said St Peter, ‘is, which two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?
The second is ‘How many seconds are there in a year?’
The third is ‘What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?’

‘Now,’ said St Peter, ‘Go away and think about those questions and I will call you later.‘

So off the blonde went away to give the three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called the blonde.
‘Well then,’ said St Peter, ‘Which two days of the week start with the letter T?’

The blonde said, ‘Today and Tomorrow.’

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

‘Well then, could I have your answer to the second question?’, St Peter went on, ‘how many seconds in a year?’

The Blonde replied, ‘Twelve!’

‘Only twelve?’ said St Peter, ‘How did you arrive at that figure?’

‘Easy,’ said the blonde, ‘there’s the second of January, second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.’

St Peter said, ‘I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.’ And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.
‘I’ll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?’

The blonde replied: ‘Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.’

‘Really!’ said St Peter, ‘And what is the answer?’

‘It’s Andy!’

‘Andy?’

‘Yes, Andy,’ said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced back and forth. Finally, he couldn’t stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked ‘How in God’s name did you arrive at THAT answer?’

‘Easy’ said the blonde, ‘Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited ‘til his Billy boiled.’

And the blonde entered Heaven...

 

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.

Heimmediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants,
concerts, movies, and museums.

Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love.
Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner onthe cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant.
While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continue to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of
my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you,

I'm a total golf nut. I play golf. I read about golf. I watch golf on TV.
In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.

I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other,
you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."


"Oh, wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was
quiet for a moment, deep in thought

then he added, "You know, it's probably just because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

 

A platoon was marching in Helmand province when they came upon a Taliban insurgent, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the platoon commander asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the side of the road here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches alongside the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife sh*t bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing half-blind Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing power mad idiot.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian. He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road,
















shaking hands, when a bus hit us."

 

 

Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he
could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we
call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red
paint, a small can of blue paint."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night,
you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says,
"That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", ..........................

 

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally sleeps in.

As I walked in,almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,

"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,

"What was that all about?"

She explained,


"The egg timer's broken."