 Tommy Cooper at his best
1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says: 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: 'No, the steaks
are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted: 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied: 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped
himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says: 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'.
' like Tom Jones syndrome''.
' Is it common? '.
'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'. So he picks the dog
up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says:
'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?'.
'Don't you start.'
You have to know about cricket to understand this one.
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you
give me a lift?'.
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The other one says: 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places'.
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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