Lee

Tommy (with apologies to Kipling)
Written by Patrick Campbell>

They flew me 'ome from Baghdad with a bullet in me chest.
Cos they've closed the army 'ospitals, I'm in the NHS.
The nurse, she ain't no Britisher an' so she ain't impressed.
It's like I'm some street corner thug who's come off second best.
Yes, it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "You're not welcome 'ere".
But when Saddam was collar'd, they was quick enough to cheer.

They're...

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on. The
first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything
inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth...

When i was younger i couldnt stand being in the house, now in my 40's i cant be arsed leaving the bloody place except for shooting and the gym....

As a child i wanted to stand out from the crowd with my clothes and hair .....NOW, i just want to sink into the background , do my business and get home...

When i was growing up i wanted facial hair to prove i was a MAN to my peers, Now i spend time getting rid of them growing from the most unusual places in my ears!
...

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Miss Joyce", that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
...

This might amuse some